Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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