she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize