even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
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