woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
