Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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