just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
