I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
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