Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
