He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
you inspire me to be a worse person
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
Randomize
