she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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