I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize