All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
