I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
