Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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