I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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