Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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