The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
