Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
