She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Just pee around me
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
