At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
