i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize