I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Randomize
