He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
