he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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