the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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