He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
i came on her dog
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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