every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
