she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Randomize
