I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
