i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
