That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
