Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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