Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
