I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
