i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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