sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
