and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Randomize
