The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
