The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
