I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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