Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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