I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize