My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
