im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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