end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Randomize
