I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize