is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
