If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
