apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
