he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
