don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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