Already got asked if we're dating
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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