Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
