I murdered the dance floor call the cops
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
