A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I just want nice things and good sex
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
