remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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