I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
