This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
