What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
