Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize
