I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
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